Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Loss is Inevitable


One thing I have learned in life is that loss is inevitable and is going to happen. I suppose that I learned at a very early age that you loose those you love no matter how hard you cry, or how hard you wish them back. I spent many hours looking up to the sky wondering why God took my dad and why I was the "one" who had no dad. I eventually stopped asking the why of it all and accepted that there are things that happen and I may never know the reason and then one day I may know all of the reasons. Ironically now I am put in the paths of grown children, people my age, who are loosing their parents to a terminal illness or old age and I am their nurse. And now I am in the paths of addicts who are slowly dying from their addiction. Last night I met with the family of a new patient that I am taking on. I spent a lot of time with one daughter in particular that I go to church with. She told me that she felt that God had led her to me and that she knew I was the one to take care of her mother. What a treat that was for me to hear. I found myself assuring her that everything was going to be o.k. and that ll of her feelings are normal and that I would do my best to make her mother comfortable and at ease.


As I wonder through this summer and I have done a lot of wondering, I have had to look "loss" right in the face. Through my job, through my passion for helping recovering addicts and through the death of my marriage and my life as I knew it. Death comes in so many forms. Death of a relationship, death of hope, death of a dream. But with each death or loss I have found that behind it there is a newness ready to happen and a new life waiting for us to take hold of it. Grief is a crazy thing. I have grieved loosing something that I realize I never really had. Thats a tough one. I have cried at red lights, I have set on my porch and cried alone, I have told friends on the phone I am o.k. and then hung up and sobbed, I have tried to run and hide and stay so busy that I don't feel it. Until lately god has started dealing with me and telling me to let it out. I have found myself sobbing on Interstate 40 and cried for God to just send someone to hold me through this and then realized that SOMEONE has been holding me all along.


As I pulled into my driveway last night I was met at my car by a neighbor whose daughter is in the throws of drug addiction to the point that she is stealing to get her drugs and she is one step away from violating probation and going to jail for two years. As we stood there and talked and Jenny asked me for my help, they got a phone call that their daughter had tried to overdose and was on her way to the hospital. And so another one is put in my path and I will go talk to her about treatment and try to help her loose the life she has and die to the drug addiction and embrace a new life that is out there waiting. But she will have to loose this life before she gets the new one. And as always I look up to the Heavens and say "yeah, I know what I'm supposed to do". Somehow in a crazy way helping others through their loss is helping me to die to myself and die to my old thoughts and ideas and embrace a new life.

Friday, July 2, 2010

A New song



I think in song. Most likely every experience I have had or great memory that I cherish has a song that goes with it in my head. People that have been close to me or meant something usually have a song that I remember them by. The Talking Heads song "One in a Lifetime" reminds me of cruisin down Highway 17 from Myrtle Beach to Edisto Island in an Audi with the sun roof open on New Years day. I can still tell you who I was with and what we were talking and laughing about as we drove to Edisto to golf. "Eminence Front" by Pete Townsend reminds me of setting at a red light in Fort Wayne, Indiana when I worked as a Private Investigator and I can tell you exactly who I was with on that day. I can tell you what we were talking about and how I felt about them at that very moment. I never drive without music and usually the first thing I do in the morning is turn on music. I have been like this since I was a teenager and I am so thankful! I am always amazed at what music does to people, how it awakens them, makes them dance and have fun and even makes them break down and cry. This summer I have downloaded songs that I remember from way back that make me happy. Ive put them on different discs and given the disc funny names that make me laugh when I look at them. Its a way of conditioning myself to think and feel happy and remember the joy that I had lost for a brief moment in time. In group therapy we used to play music for the patients. I even remember one patient in particular who couldnt listen to certain songs on the radio because it made him "phene" or crave the drugs he was detoxing from. Isnt that amazing what one song can do to a person? This summer I have literally felt what it is to have a "new song" in my heart. I want that for everyone, especially recovering addicts. They've lost their purpose, their joy and the song in their heart. I'm pretty sure that as I take on this endeavor to help recovering addicts that at some point music will be a part of how I help them incorporate joy back into their lives. I think as we age a lot of people cut music out of their lives or they somehow forget to listen. Last week at the lake some guy was amazed that my daughter knew some rock and roll songs from the 70's. She told him that I raised her on 70's rock and roll. She's right! Both of my kids cut their teeth, so to speak, on Lynard Skynard, Molly Hatchet and Van Halen. I laugh when I think of that. I'll never lay that part of myself down willingly. I hope that one of the last things to go as I drift away are the songs in my heart. Because to me if I remember music, I can remember my life and all that I have experienced, all that I have loved, the places I have been, the people that I adore, and the pain that has made me stronger. I never want to loose that song in my heart.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

FAITH isnt faith until it's all you've got




I saw a sign on someone's desk one time that said "faith isn't faith until it's all you've got". I've dwelled on those words for years since. I am a keen observer of human nature. My favorite pastime is watching people. They facinate me. I've learned that it's very easy to claim faith when life is good, the bills are paid, your health is good, and you have all of your needs met. Those people who have that all of the time are very good at preaching faith! However, I've watched people when they are down and out and that's where their true measure of faith comes in. When someone has lost almost all that is important to them and they dont know how they are going to survive, thats when I want to hear where their faith is! This time last year I entered a class taught by Dr. Steve Loyd. I talked to him about how I wasnt sure if life was actually going to get better or if I could survive what I was going through. He told me that in a year I would see a completely different person in myself if I just stuck it out. He was right. How did I get through that year? Faith. Faith that things would be better. Faith that God chose me for a higher purpose than to just wither away without fulfilling my dreams. Faith that He is in control and I didnt have to really worry about it. After that, I took Dr. Loyd's advice and just did "the next right thing". A year later I am standing here looking my future in the face, realizing that being a full time humanitarian 24/7, 365 days a year is possible and will happen. That's the message I hope to convey to recovering addicts when I meet with them. That faith is one of the most important words they could hold onto in the midst of their recovery. I am getting ready to enter another class titled "companioning". It's designed to help those of us that are interested in helping others with our "motivational interviewing' skills, setting boundaries with the person we are mentoring and using our life experiences to help them. I felt honored to get into this class because they only take six people at a time because of the intensity of it. A year ago you would have had to talked to me and spent time with me to see what a transformation I have come through. One person took the time to talk to me. The first time I listened to them speak I knew I wanted to have that same affect on others. One life, one difference is our motto. Just changing one life at a time can make all the difference!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I know I am in a place where God wants me when my soul reaches to the Heavens and thanks God for my pain, for the person it has shaped me into and for the passion it has put into my heart. I've thought alot about pain, mainly because I have experienced a lot of it during the last two years especially. I always thought my life was successful and happy if I could go through it and not have a lot of pain or hurt. My views differ greatly from that now. Now I see that my pain is a portion of who I am. Its a portion of the passion I feel for people and for what I believe in. Its a portion of my purpose here on earth. How else could I help those in emotional pain from addiction and life in general if I could not identify with what they are feeling and going through? In the midst of my pain I would wake up some days and ask God why he allowed me to wake up. Now I see that He wasnt done with me yet. He had other things for me to do. For that I am glad. Thats the kind of hope and joy that I want to be able to show recovering addicts. I want them to embrace a new day, find their purpose in life and live life without being tied to a beast of an addiction. When I meet an addict and we begin talking, one of the first questions I ask them is "what is your pain?, why do you drink or take the next pill?". I have learned so much about how people feel or choose not to feel pain. Whats your pain? Feel it, breathe it in and then tell God to show you what to do with it! You will be amazed at what you hear back!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Peace


Everyone wants peace. Peace in their hearts, their souls, their minds, their marriage and their lives as a whole. But have you ever asked for peace and then sat back and watch the storm come? I had a conversation today with a friend about the peace we feel and what we went through to get it. We both agreed that when we prayed for peace we had no idea what we were signing up for. First you ask for peace, its all you want, and then things start happening. People may leave your life. Your job or vocation may change and you may move with two weeks notice. When my marriage was over I was upset, but I was going through my journals one day after that and read where I had written, "peace, dear God just let me have peace". Now loosing my marriage, having to move and having my world turned upside down wasnt the way I pictured that happening but thats the way it happened. And as I sifted through my life and wondered what to do I realized I had asked for all of this to happen. I wanted peace, complete peace and I got it. Later the old Janet began to emerge. I felt joy. I embraced every new day and every experience and I loved deeper. Obtaining peace is not for the weak at heart and its not for someone who isnt ready for a war in their minds and lives. Sometimes in order to burn out the wreckage inside of us God has to cleanse us of everything that is stealing our joy and peace. As my friend and I talked we agreed that we were glad for the tough time we had to go through to get peace. It makes us who were are and makes us appreciate so much. Are you ready for peace in your heart and soul? The kind you wake up to and smile? When you ask for it just know that you might ought to brace yourself because youre going to get what you asked for. And its gonna be good!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Heavy weight


Saturday I woke up and embraced the sun, rode jet skis on the lake, flew around the lake on a fast boat and soaked up the sun! I was happy to see the sun rise and fulfilled at seeing the moon in the sky tonight as I drove home. However, this time last year I wasnt in this place. I didnt care if I ever saw another sunrise or another full moon or a lake for that matter. But someone spoke a few words to me that gave me hope. Words that I hung onto and played over and over in my head for months. Thats just a small part of what I want to foundation to be. A glimmer of hope spoken to someone who is in the throws of addiction that saves them from the grave and allows them to see the sunrise and the moon hang in the sky.


But I see things around me, addictions that make my heart heavy and I see the pain that people suppress with every drink or pill and I bear a burden for them. My high today was speed. It was the joy of the sun or my daughter telling me I looked good in a bikini. Little things that you may think dont matter are the things that I hold onto. I want everyone to know that high that comes without being intoxicated or numb. I wouldnt trade this for anything. But as I get ready for bed and think about all of the people on the lake that I saw I am even more convinced that our society is out of control with addiction. I even asked myself on the way home if I was getting in over my head by taking on something this big. The answer was "no"! If anything I was even more passionate about the need for something like this. There is a song by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews called "Im Alive". Ive listened to it alot in the last three months. "Breathing in and out is a blessing, cant you see. Today's the first day of the rest of my life, and Im alive and well".

Friday, June 25, 2010


TWENTY-THREE MILLION AMERICANS deal with some form of addiction and for every one of those twenty-three million addicts they affect SEVEN people. Thats a staggering number and one we cannot ignore. Chances are that you have either dealt with addiction or have been affected by someone else's addiction. Those numbers make me passionate about how out of control addiction is and how so many more of us need to get involved.

I spent time reading a book this winter called "His Healing Power" by Lilian B. Yeomans. She was a woman before her time, an addict to morphine who tried to detox herself fifty-seven times and it drove her to madness. She was a medical doctor. The madness eventually got her institutionalized and its there that she began to delve into the fact that healing was hers from God. But in the first few pages she wrote some things that grabbed and made me cry. I will leave you with that quote to give you insight into the desperation one feels when consumed by addiction and unable to help themselves. "Though I dreamed day and night of freedom the dream seemed impossible of realization. I said to myself, it will take something stronger than death to deliver me, for the hold of this hideous thing is far deeper than my physical being" Dr. Lilian B. Yeomans.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

"The practice of compassion is the most effective way to pursue the best interest of others as well as ourselves" DalaiLama. Searching my heart has been a life long task for me. I analyze and replay everything. Most of all I dwell on how to leave my mark on the world and leave a rich legacy for my children and grand children. I attended a class last week on how to use your talents and gifts to help others and serve God. I then spent time with a Life Coach and talked about how my passion is to just be a humanitarian and save the world one person at a time. He responded by saying "thats do-able". After many days of contemplating my place in this world and in the lives of others and laying awake at night searching my heart and soul on what I really want to do. The question was asked in class last week, "what would you get up at two in the morning and do and be passionate about?" For me I knew that answer in a split second. It was to go grab someone ravaged by addiction and take the necessary steps to help them begin to save their life. Its my passion, my calling and every path I take leads me back to doing something like this. So with the help of many wonderful people who have supported my dream and peoplel who have taught me how to love and care, here I go. I waited for a long time for someone to assign something to me to do, to give me my purpose and then I realized that it was inside of me already and God had already assigned it to me. That was all I needed. So with that I have begun a non profit organization that will go out and help addicts get to recovery, and meet their basic needs as they regain their life back.

The organization is called AddictsRUs and our motto is "One Life, One Difference". I believe in saving the world one person at a time and I believe that every life is precious and was created and shouldnt be destroyed by this terrible disease. As I blog many of you will discover some very deep and dark stories from my own life, but I am convinced that in order to help others I have to show them that they can rise up from the ashes and live again. And that means telling my own personal stories.