Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Loss is Inevitable


One thing I have learned in life is that loss is inevitable and is going to happen. I suppose that I learned at a very early age that you loose those you love no matter how hard you cry, or how hard you wish them back. I spent many hours looking up to the sky wondering why God took my dad and why I was the "one" who had no dad. I eventually stopped asking the why of it all and accepted that there are things that happen and I may never know the reason and then one day I may know all of the reasons. Ironically now I am put in the paths of grown children, people my age, who are loosing their parents to a terminal illness or old age and I am their nurse. And now I am in the paths of addicts who are slowly dying from their addiction. Last night I met with the family of a new patient that I am taking on. I spent a lot of time with one daughter in particular that I go to church with. She told me that she felt that God had led her to me and that she knew I was the one to take care of her mother. What a treat that was for me to hear. I found myself assuring her that everything was going to be o.k. and that ll of her feelings are normal and that I would do my best to make her mother comfortable and at ease.


As I wonder through this summer and I have done a lot of wondering, I have had to look "loss" right in the face. Through my job, through my passion for helping recovering addicts and through the death of my marriage and my life as I knew it. Death comes in so many forms. Death of a relationship, death of hope, death of a dream. But with each death or loss I have found that behind it there is a newness ready to happen and a new life waiting for us to take hold of it. Grief is a crazy thing. I have grieved loosing something that I realize I never really had. Thats a tough one. I have cried at red lights, I have set on my porch and cried alone, I have told friends on the phone I am o.k. and then hung up and sobbed, I have tried to run and hide and stay so busy that I don't feel it. Until lately god has started dealing with me and telling me to let it out. I have found myself sobbing on Interstate 40 and cried for God to just send someone to hold me through this and then realized that SOMEONE has been holding me all along.


As I pulled into my driveway last night I was met at my car by a neighbor whose daughter is in the throws of drug addiction to the point that she is stealing to get her drugs and she is one step away from violating probation and going to jail for two years. As we stood there and talked and Jenny asked me for my help, they got a phone call that their daughter had tried to overdose and was on her way to the hospital. And so another one is put in my path and I will go talk to her about treatment and try to help her loose the life she has and die to the drug addiction and embrace a new life that is out there waiting. But she will have to loose this life before she gets the new one. And as always I look up to the Heavens and say "yeah, I know what I'm supposed to do". Somehow in a crazy way helping others through their loss is helping me to die to myself and die to my old thoughts and ideas and embrace a new life.

Friday, July 2, 2010

A New song



I think in song. Most likely every experience I have had or great memory that I cherish has a song that goes with it in my head. People that have been close to me or meant something usually have a song that I remember them by. The Talking Heads song "One in a Lifetime" reminds me of cruisin down Highway 17 from Myrtle Beach to Edisto Island in an Audi with the sun roof open on New Years day. I can still tell you who I was with and what we were talking and laughing about as we drove to Edisto to golf. "Eminence Front" by Pete Townsend reminds me of setting at a red light in Fort Wayne, Indiana when I worked as a Private Investigator and I can tell you exactly who I was with on that day. I can tell you what we were talking about and how I felt about them at that very moment. I never drive without music and usually the first thing I do in the morning is turn on music. I have been like this since I was a teenager and I am so thankful! I am always amazed at what music does to people, how it awakens them, makes them dance and have fun and even makes them break down and cry. This summer I have downloaded songs that I remember from way back that make me happy. Ive put them on different discs and given the disc funny names that make me laugh when I look at them. Its a way of conditioning myself to think and feel happy and remember the joy that I had lost for a brief moment in time. In group therapy we used to play music for the patients. I even remember one patient in particular who couldnt listen to certain songs on the radio because it made him "phene" or crave the drugs he was detoxing from. Isnt that amazing what one song can do to a person? This summer I have literally felt what it is to have a "new song" in my heart. I want that for everyone, especially recovering addicts. They've lost their purpose, their joy and the song in their heart. I'm pretty sure that as I take on this endeavor to help recovering addicts that at some point music will be a part of how I help them incorporate joy back into their lives. I think as we age a lot of people cut music out of their lives or they somehow forget to listen. Last week at the lake some guy was amazed that my daughter knew some rock and roll songs from the 70's. She told him that I raised her on 70's rock and roll. She's right! Both of my kids cut their teeth, so to speak, on Lynard Skynard, Molly Hatchet and Van Halen. I laugh when I think of that. I'll never lay that part of myself down willingly. I hope that one of the last things to go as I drift away are the songs in my heart. Because to me if I remember music, I can remember my life and all that I have experienced, all that I have loved, the places I have been, the people that I adore, and the pain that has made me stronger. I never want to loose that song in my heart.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

FAITH isnt faith until it's all you've got




I saw a sign on someone's desk one time that said "faith isn't faith until it's all you've got". I've dwelled on those words for years since. I am a keen observer of human nature. My favorite pastime is watching people. They facinate me. I've learned that it's very easy to claim faith when life is good, the bills are paid, your health is good, and you have all of your needs met. Those people who have that all of the time are very good at preaching faith! However, I've watched people when they are down and out and that's where their true measure of faith comes in. When someone has lost almost all that is important to them and they dont know how they are going to survive, thats when I want to hear where their faith is! This time last year I entered a class taught by Dr. Steve Loyd. I talked to him about how I wasnt sure if life was actually going to get better or if I could survive what I was going through. He told me that in a year I would see a completely different person in myself if I just stuck it out. He was right. How did I get through that year? Faith. Faith that things would be better. Faith that God chose me for a higher purpose than to just wither away without fulfilling my dreams. Faith that He is in control and I didnt have to really worry about it. After that, I took Dr. Loyd's advice and just did "the next right thing". A year later I am standing here looking my future in the face, realizing that being a full time humanitarian 24/7, 365 days a year is possible and will happen. That's the message I hope to convey to recovering addicts when I meet with them. That faith is one of the most important words they could hold onto in the midst of their recovery. I am getting ready to enter another class titled "companioning". It's designed to help those of us that are interested in helping others with our "motivational interviewing' skills, setting boundaries with the person we are mentoring and using our life experiences to help them. I felt honored to get into this class because they only take six people at a time because of the intensity of it. A year ago you would have had to talked to me and spent time with me to see what a transformation I have come through. One person took the time to talk to me. The first time I listened to them speak I knew I wanted to have that same affect on others. One life, one difference is our motto. Just changing one life at a time can make all the difference!