Eyes wide open!

Let me make one thing clear. I'm not in the business of judging. Thank goodness, because judging others takes alot of time, and negative energy. However, I am in the business of having my eyes wide open. Somedays I still miss something, but I focus on being aware of my surroundings everyday, especially with people. Part of that is my inquisitive nature and part of that is from being an old rehab nurse who is got used to being keenly aware of others behavior.

Our news in saturated with stories of people dying before their time. Dying from addiction. Yesterday I read an article about a Judge from Knoxville who is under federal charges because of his addiction and today on Fox news they are talking about another Kennedy that battled addiction until her death this week.

Having worked in a couple of rehabs, and a pain management clinic I feel confident that I can see it in someones eyes when they are battling addiction. I had an experience this week with a Practitioner I see that left me unsettled. I went in for a blood pressure check. Just felt bad after some insomnia and felt like it was up. I sat there and talked to a Practitioner I see and  almost a minute after I began to talk to her, I realized she was on something. And she was on something pretty strong. The conversation was scattered and I paid particular attention to her eyes. There was a certain dark, glazed over, distant look that comes from addiction.

I hugged her and subtly suggested she read a book I have read that helps people deal with addiction. It came up in our conversation so I used that open to door to plant a seed. I dont think I did enough. I walked out of there without confronting her. I failed to do what I encourage so many people to do. It has been on my mind everyday since. I cant shake it. Now I'm struggling on what to do. Its a serious thing when youre treating patients and youre under the influence. Yet it happens more than we care to know about. I have an open door policy with her.  I can walk in and be taken straight back to see her without an appointment. Im considering using that open door. My eyes were wide open but I shut them fast without thinking because I didnt want to believe it. I didnt want to believe that someone I care about and love was there, in that dark place.

How many of us shut our eyes and turn away? How many times have you ignored that small, still voice that tells you someone needs help?  How many of us choose to go through life without our eyes wide open?

Death by Misadventure

"Death by misadventure". That is what the coroner put as Amy Winehouse's cause of death, "misadventure". That fascinates me that what really starts out as being an escape from real life, whether it be drugs or alcohol or whatever, that it turns into a misadventure. Misadventure is from the Anglo-French word "mesavinir", or misfortune and mishap.

As an old rehab nurse I used to stand behind the med counter and give out the meds and I would think to myself as I looked at the addicts lined up for their xanax or whatever detox drugs they were on, "whats wrong with you, cant you just stop partying or getting high?" After a little more time dealing with others addictions, family addictions and my own I realized that for addicts the high went away a long time ago. Once you find yourself in the middle of a full blown addiction, its no longer about the high. Its about the lows, the pain, and the inability to face them. Its about the hurt, disappointments and your body turning on you should you choose to move away from addiction.

I am fascinated by the news and how they report drug over doses, death by misadventure, if you want to call it that. I am fascinated that so many people lived around that individual and watched them on a daily basis go through addiction, functional or not, and then they are always shocked when they die. The one thing about addiction is it doesn't discriminate. It takes the young, the old, the rich, the poor, the famous and the one laying in a ditch that no-one knows.

Last night as I sat watching the news and the tickler started coming across the t.v. screen and it said "Whitney Houston......" in my head I knew that the following words would be dead, drugs or something related to that. After seeing so many people dabble and play with their hurt and their self medication, you almost can see it coming. I have long watched another young actress and I suspect that she will play herself into this demise also.

The thrill seeking, the numbing, the hiding and covering can only last but so long until its time for your life to stop seeking the adventure of a painless life, or accept it and move on and deal with it so that you can live. 'I'm still not sure why some of us live and some of us die in this adventure, but for those who were spared, it would be nice to help those who can find their way out of this downward spiral.