There's Pride in Ownership!!!

I have a different life today than what I have had in the last seven years. My mornings begin with peace. My days are full of laughter. My nights are restful and spent talking with those I love. I'm in a healthier state of mind and my body feels great. I embrace every experience and I'm always game for something new and exciting to do!

Part of my peace comes from facing the battles in my life, a marriage that was doomed from the start, addiction that was denied and relationships that were unhealthy. I faced one at a time. Each one required facing the truth and taking ownership of what I had done and where I was. I found that once you take ownership, then you begin to heal and the rest falls into place. It was painful. Dealing with the relationships that werent honest or real was painful, but I was painfully honest with myself about who I was around and I lost a good portion of friends, many by choice. Then I had to deal with my marriage, probably the most dishonest, painful, brutal, betraying, unbalanced relationship I have ever known.

Fast forward a year later and I find myself surrounded by fewer people, but with a quality of honesty and integrity that I haven't had before. I now spend more time with people who are up front and honest. I spent yesterday by the pool with a friend that I actually met years ago when I was her nurse, but our paths crossed again down the road as a result of us both ending up in a class to deal with some tragedy in our lives. We began to talk and formed a truthful, honest friendship that is based on us being completely honest with each other about who we are, where we have been and where God has brought us to. Sometimes when we are together one of us with say "I did this or that this week", or "I was hateful to someone, and I meant to be", and I will bust out laughing because I love the pure honesty and truth that flows between us. Yet at the end of the conversation I love this friend more because she shows me who she really is and where she is really trying to go with God. That's something you don't get from a lot of people.

I watched a Glen Beck interview yesterday on youtube.com that an old friend from high school posted. It was such a refreshing interview in the fact that Glen Beck took ownership of who he had been in his past and he took ownership of who God has shaped him to be now. Those are the kind of people I gravitate to now. I don't want the song and dance and the right script from people who try to say what they think you want to hear.

I love a man or woman who faces all of what they have done. I am immediately cautious when I see someone who seems perfect or put together and flawless. I was married for years to someone who is in law enforcement. He was probably the most put together officer on his force. His shoes always shined. His uniform always pressed and pants creased just right. His patrol car was immaculate and organized, and he always looked so clean and put together well and said the right things. Yet, remove the badge, the pressed uniform and all of the other stuff, and what you have left is a man who has a troubled heart, who cant be honest, wont reveal himself to those he loves, wont admit to wrong doings, and has just absolutely destroyed the hearts of a his ex-wives and a daughter because he is just mean at the very core. Yet he shines when he covers it up with that uniform. In one of our last conversations I said to him, "all I ever asked from you is that you be honest with me". He refused and hung up on me. I would venture to say that he may never face who he is or the wreckage he has left behind him, and that the next woman he is with will endure the exact same dishonesty as everyone before her.

I admire people who take ownership of their lives, their mistakes, their mishaps, their downfalls and everything. I have more respect for someone who can stand up and say what they have done and how they have hurt others. In fact I am more prone to spend time with someone who is real and owns what they have done and the mistakes they have made. Im not looking for perfection in friends, family or anyone. I am looking for an honesty that comes from looking into the face of God and saying who you really are, crying over someone you have hurt and taking ownership of all of that. When someone does that then you have the hope of a more honest relationship with them.

No one is perfect. That is why God gives us grace and mercy. There's a kind of pride in taking ownership and being unafraid to confess your mistakes and also being able to move forward and be a better person. Without it, you simply stay stuck in the same state of mind and the same hurtful patterns you have always been in. There is no growth in your life until you admit who you really are and accept that God does restore all of that. I'm the proud new owner of a life that now has peace and joy!

Sorry seems to be the hardest word!

There is a song that says "sorry, seems to be to be the hardest word"! Having come through a few hard years, I have realized the amounts of "sorry" I need to say. I knew someone for the last nine years that I thought to be one of the more honest people I knew. I stood up for them, protected them, and fought to make others believe they were honest. I had some people though that had known them, either through marriage, friendship or work, who didn't feel the same way I did. I probably projected anger onto these people that was unwarranted. As this person was investigated through work for something, I personally called their boss and gave a good word to him. As their ex-spouse and someone else who was in a relationship with them, bashed the person and called them a liar and a cheater, I faced them head on and treated them as if they were just bitter ole hags probably. I took everything this person said to be nothing but the truth and I defended them at all costs. I was angry at the people who mistreated them.

Fast forward a few years, and I am standing with my head in shame, as it is once again discovered that they have cheated on another spouse and done things at work that are unethical, lied adamantly and denied accusations that came from several people. I have listened as co-workers have told why they removed themselves from this person and I have watched a behavior pattern that supports what even the their own mother said she concerned her and even cried about her concerns.

Now I am faced with having to go to some of these people that I mistreated on this person's behalf and say "I'm sorry", because I feel that I owe it to them and to myself. I misjudged people based on this person's opinions and stories. I snubbed people who had genuinely been hurt by this person's dishonesty and unethical ways. Even justified how they broke their own child's heart over and over with betrayal. So after some thought I realized that I had to say sorry. Even if it means someone laughs at me or says "I told you so", I feel that its only right that I apologize and not take away the truth from them and let them believe any longer that I think they are crazy.

Sorry is a hard word to say. It involves laying down your pride, admitting you were wrong and feeling like a fool. However, it is the right thing to do. As much as I want to look like I knew what I was doing, I have to say "I had no clue, and I'm sorry that I treated you wrong based on this person's dishonesty". However, to me one great characteristic of someone that shows how they have grown, is when they can admit they were wrong". It's a tough step to take, but it's one that grows you up, and releases a lot in you. And knowing that someone else is in your position now where they believe and think you are the one who is wrong, is tough too. Yet you know that even if they never say it, that one day they will want to say "sorry" to you for not believing you. Yes, "sorry, does seem to be the hardest word"! Yet, it's one of the most freeing words you can say!

The same Jesus that died for me, died for you too!

This is such a tough one for me. I didn't even want to write about it. I have wrestled it. Tried to block it out of my mind and ever day this week this topic has kept coming up in front of me.

I am a forgiving person. I have never had trouble with it, until now. I have just felt so wronged by a couple of people who knowingly hurt me. My body is weak and says "no" to the forgiveness. Then my spirit says "yes, they need forgiveness more than anyone Janet. They have done these things because of their own hurt and confusion in life."

A verse kept coming to my mind this morning; "love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you".

I know someone who had a sister killed by a drunk driver. When his dad hugged him after they heard the news, his dad said "Scotty, the same Jesus that died for you, died for that drunk driver". What an unbelievable testimony that was to me to hear someone say that in the middle of their agony and pain.

All week long I kept hearing the same things in my head, "Janet, Jesus loves prostitutes too. And I would laugh to myself wondering where that came from. "He loves people that wreck homes and destroy marriages. He loves the immoral ones, the unfair one, the hurtful ones". And I knew deep down in my heart what was heading my way was a day of conviction and having to lay down this cross and forgive. Sometimes its hard to know where to start to forgive.

I have made many mistakes in life. Disappointed my mother and family more than once. Probably yelled at my kids when I shouldn't have. Maybe wasn't there for a friend in need like I needed to be. At the same time I have been hurt by words, events and things that other people have done willingly and unwillingly. And while I wanted in my flesh to place judgement on them it isn't my place. I remember the song that we sang in Sunday school when I was little. It went like this. "Jesus loves the little children. All the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white they are precious in his sight." Once we grow up our colors become less of the issue and our individual battles, problems, addictions and mistakes become what we have a harder time dealing with. Even more so we tend to be judgmental of others with problems. Next time you drive downtown and see the homeless, the drugs addicts and alcoholics, the prostitutes, or you deal with someone nasty in your life at home or work just remember that the same Jesus that died for you, died for them too.

The spirit of home!

This is my favorite time of year. I love the colors, the air, the temperature, and everything else about Fall. I love to get out my Fall wreaths and I always put out my acorn candy dish with candy corn in it. We light pumpkin and spice scented candles and Rachel and I both love to be at home.

We had lost that for a while though. I have always had the kind of home where my children's friends love to come. Rachel has had two best friends since she was three and they have spent a lot of days and nights at my house. The girls always talk about how they remember me baking things for them or funny things we would do. They love it there!

Yet for a while, our home wasn't ours. After an unsettling marriage and living with someone who didn't enjoy the essence of a home or people for that matter, we began to retreat. Even Rachel's friends would ask if her step dad was home before they came over. Lately some of them have confessed to me that they didn't like being there when he was there. One friend said that every time she came in the house she just wanted to poke him and say "is there anybody in there?". So for a time there were many uncomfortable weekends, and the joy of our home went away.

Lately though, since my divorce, we have reclaimed it. The girls are back to coming over and hanging out. They spend the night, cook dinner, watch movies and we laugh and giggle. I had forgotten how much I had missed the joy of having a happy home and of having peace. In the midst of the fog sometimes you cant see who you're living with or what you're dealing with. Then when the sun shines down and burns the mist away, you begin to see clearly again. The joyful spirit of our home is back!

"If you cant stand the heat, get out of the oven"

There used to be a game show called "Truth or consequences". I think as kids we called it "truth or dare". Usually most people took the dare. Why? Because they never knew what question they were going to be asked and just how exposed they would be if they had to tell the truth.

As adults we still play that game. We've just modified it to seem like it's o.k.! I am an avid people watcher! I love to just observe the behavior of people when they think they have master minded the art of deception. Then when they face the consequences it amazes me how shocked they always are at what happens, or what is said about them. When the truth surfaces people begin to squirm, especially if they have worked hard for so long to conceal it and to portray an image that is honorable.

I had a "heated" conversation today with a man who concealed his philandering for a number of years during two different marriages. Now the truth comes out, and his image is tarnished. His coworkers are questioning his integrity. His girlfriend is mad because now her image is tarnished because her history of philandering is out also. The men at work trade stories about their trysts with her. Her friends and coworkers are whispering behind her back. Both of them lost the chance to finish raising their daughters due to their selfish behaviors and now they not only have stolen someone's idea of a sacred marriage , but they have wrecked two homes and left children hurting. The amazing thing is that they are both mad at other people who haven't done anything but pointed out to them that they have done others wrong. They have created a three ringed circus and they are mad because others are watching and talking. In trying to explain this to him I simply said "you know, you created this yourself. Your girlfriend created her story. You both have daughters that now have been given the legacy of parents who are dishonest, immoral and who feel unaccountable for the hurt they have caused. And your mad at who?"

Well, to say the least my honesty didn't go over well. But I was committed to telling the truth and not sugar coating the story in order to make him and his girlfriend feel better about the marriages they have wrecked, the affairs they have had, the number of people they have been with and wreckage that they have left behind in being dishonest both in their personal lives and in breaking a code of conduct at work. And as to be expected, they aren't even faithful to each other. So to say the least, I wasn't the popular person. And I'm o.k. with that.

The lesson here? If you don't want to suffer the consequences of making bad choices, don't make the bad choices. If you don't want your family and friends to see you in a tarnished image, then do what you have to do keep it clean. And if you don't want your children to have to hear how mommy or daddy doesn't regard the sacred vows of marriage, theirs or anyone else's, then don't break those vows, and don't cause someone else to break theirs.

There's an old saying "if you cant stand the heat get out of the kitchen". Or as my daughter once said in a state of confusion "if you cant stand the heat, get out of the oven"!

Life is Tragic, God is Good!

If I offend anyone with my honesty and candidness I apologize ahead of time. I have learned that the best way to sometimes help others heal is to tell your own story of healing. So with that I am committed to being completely honest and straight forward.

I had a conversation the other night with someone who works with my ex-husband. He told me that he was sorry for what I had to go through and he wished me luck. I said to him, "I haven't lost any anything. I still have two wonderful children, and four awesome grandchildren, family and a few good friends that have really stuck beside me. I still wake up and approach every day eager to see who is in my path and what is handed to me to do for the better of mankind. I still love the lake and a fast boat. I still get excited about new experiences. I still laugh out loud and giggle like a little girl. I still gaze at a full moon in awe. I still love music and I still love to write. I am still known for my notes to people who need encouragement. I am still a Momma to two kids that adore me. I am still Gigi to four absolutely beautiful grand kids. And I am still God's daughter, embraced in His love, appointed for a purpose here on earth".

At that point I kept feeling a tug from God to take inventory of exactly what I had lost and what I still had. When I was done making that list of what I lost in the other person, I said to myself, "I've lost nothing but worry, anxiety, insomnia, unhappiness, distress, distrust, suspicion and many other things that went with that person when they chose porn addiction over marriage, lust over love, dishonesty over truth and left to have a relationship with someone else. Now that person has my loss. Then I became peaceful and grateful and calm. I no longer wanted to cry or scream.

We serve an awesome God. And sometimes what we think is being taken away from us, is actually something being given to us. It's God's gift to us. In the process we lose hurt, pain and someone who will never be happy with you or anyone. And God says "enough". He simply removes that obstacle from in front of you. He takes the thorn out of your side. He gives you rest when you had not known a peaceful nights sleep in years. He gives you joy that replaces the unhappiness. He is constant and not moody. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He gives you love, comfort and trust and a place to hide in Him. Things you should have had in a marriage but didn't. He gives you confidence and a glow that comes from knowing that someone loves you and will never betray you and will always carry you, because God is now your caretaker. You will never have to worry about what is happening on your home computer, or who is calling your husband, because God has removed all of that from your life and now you will live in the security of His love and the abundance of being cherished and loved for all that you are.

I do not condone divorce. I have to stop myself when I sometimes want to say "I hate cheaters". I am a person who is loyal and takes a vow seriously, and I believe that people who do mess with other people's wedding vows are in serious danger, because it is a commitment to God that you take also, and you better take it seriously. Not all people do that. Not all women believe that your husband is yours. They believe that all is fair in love and war. So when you have to face that you are married to someone who is weak and not loyal and who is flattered by the attention of someone who is basically a harlot, you have to say "God, here it is, take this cup from me". When someone else leaves and they don't want to be committed to you or anyone, ever, you let go. And when you do that you reach a day where you awake and say "it is well with my soul". Loss is inevitable in life. Hurt is guaranteed. People aren't always fair. But that loss is easily weathered when you let God take it and give you the gift of a fresh start. The gift of being yourself again, and of being what he created you to be.

Sad as it may seem, someone else has now signed up for your hurt, frustration, and betrayal. Someone else thinks they are the one person who can change your husband and make him happy and a better person. Someone else has chosen to take that from you, and while they don't know that's what they signed up for, they will. And maybe, just maybe, when their heart belongs to God, they will allow Him to heal their hurt, just as He did yours.

As I have said before, "I know I am in a place where God wants me to be when my soul reaches up to the Heavens and thanks God for my pain. Life is tragic, God is good"!

Diamonds and Pearls!

The formation of a natural pearl begins when a foreign substance slips into the oyster between the mantle and the shell, which irritate­s the mantle. It's kind of like the oyster getting a splinter. The oyster's natural reaction is to cover up that irritant to protect itself. The mantle covers the irritant with layers of the same nacre substance that is used to create the shell. This eventually forms a pearl. So a pearl is a foreign substance covered with layers of nacre.

Diamonds come to the surface when magma from far below the Earth’s surface begins coming up. Since diamonds are found at such incredible depths – three to four times deeper than the depth at which a normal volcano originates – magma upsurges deep enough to bring them to the surface are relatively rare. Once this magma cools, it forms a rock known as kimberlite – or sometimes lamproite – which may be used as an indicator that diamonds may be found in that area.

What is so beautiful and rich actually begins by being irritated, or upsurges from the depths of the earth under pressure and intense heat. Again, I am so amazed how God gave us simple messages through nature and how He shows us that an irritant or something that had to be brought up from the depths of the earth, actually emerges into something beautiful.

Most of the time when I am irritated or under intense pressure I don't feel beautiful, and I don't always see the good that's going to come out of those situations. Yet faith and a promise has kept me moving forward and knowing that if I go through the natural processes of letting God work those irritating or high pressured situations, something beautiful will emerge in me. Some days I'm a diamond. Some days I'm a pearl. A lot of days I am diamonds and pearls!

The truth hurts!

I am a lover of truth. As painful as it may be at times, I still want to hear it and know it. I listen for it. Beg for it. Pray for it and search the world over for it. For me there is no better relief then when I can say the truth. Sometimes it offends people. Sometimes it hurts them. Yet knowing the truth is a freedom.

Those of you close to me know that I have wrestled for the truth for the last few years in a marriage that was never close to truth. When all was said and done I asked for the truth, even though I already knew it, I gave the other person a chance to say it. To me it would tell me where he was in his life, in his growth and in his respect for himself and for me.

Much to my dismay I never got it. It was painful, and it was ugly and I would have respected him for hurting me with the truth rather than trying to escape by looking good and living a lie. I will never hear the truth from that person, even though I am so aware of all of the ugly lies and the details that led to our demise. Yet I feel free now. Free because I know and I have seen and I have witnessed the truth. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free, was right. And in due time God always reveals the truth when He knows you are ready.

My daughter and I share a twisted sense of humor. We actually understand each others jokes. When I told her all that I had found out she hugged me and I cried. She said "momma, are you crying over him?" I said "no, I feel stupid, I got dumped for a white mini van with Nascar tags". We both busted out laughing and that........is the truth!