Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Again, Life is Tragic, God is Good!

To many people this may just be a grown man playing on a swing. To me its my son, the little boy swinging on a swing that has hung in his grandparents backyard for over thirty years probably, with his little sister and I watching him.

It was significant to us because we had just buried Grandad that day. The man, the myth, the legend. It was me watching my grown son get in touch with his heart and his soul as he mourned the passing of his grandad. It was me watching him feel the wonder of the swing and the memories it brought back to him.
I also watched him stand on a hill beside his grandad's grave and hang on to goodbye for as long as he could. I was helpless to ease his pain. I wanted to run and grab him up and make it better. Yet I stood back with his wife and his little sister and cried as we watched him try to make sense of it all and as we watched this former Marine show what it means to stand beside someone you love. Then to see him laugh that evening as we all stood around in the yard and told old stories. Those are moments you want to last forever!

His loyalty and strength overwhelmed, made me proud and assured me that he was at peace with every step he was taking to lay his grandad to rest. What an honor to look upon your child and see such loyalty and love and devotion. What a blessing to see him feel his feelings as you have always told him to do. To be a part of his life and see that kind of love is more than I could ever ask for.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Encountering the dreaded divorce recovery!

Last night was my first time in a thirteen week divorce recovery class. After careful consideration and talking to a couple of people close to me, I decided that it would be a good class to take. I have a habit of keeping things in that hurt me, not letting others see me cry and always maintaining the look of being in complete control. But I felt that it would be good to get some pointers from some professionals and from others who have weathered the divorce storm.

As we introduced ourselves, we were asked to give a brief description of where were in the divorce process. For me, my divorce has been final for four months, but we were separated for a year. I actually thought I was handling things well and for the first time in seven years I felt like I was reclaiming myself and doing things in life that mean alot to me. The real zinger came after my divorce was final and I discovered that there had been a girl in the picture for probably a year and a half. Oh it gets better. I later found that she is the court clerk who helped my ex-husband type up my divorce papers and she used her job as a Chancery Court Clerk to get them served on three days after my ex filed. Not only that but she was calling him and letting him know the contents of my letters to the Judge and what my intentions were as far as what I was going to contest against him. In other words, she crossed the line professionally and stands to be reprimanded by the County Ethics Committee.

That's when I realized that I wasn't dealing with this process well at all. She was forbidding my ex-husband to talk to me or help me with things that usually he would be more that glad to help me with. She said it 'was strange for him to talk to his ex". Hmmm. I wonder if she thought it was strange when she was sleeping with him while I was married to him.

So in short, yes, I felt that I needed some guidance on how to handle this. I have sought the advice of an attorney on filing a complaint against her and that is still in the works, but the big thing for me was feeling stupid and realizing that she had been there a lot longer that I initially realized. Her brother ironically is the Mayor. I had to talk to someone in his office about considering what I may do. He indicated to me that he was aware of the stories about her and he encouraged me to follow through.

So there I was in divorce recovery class, because my true heart's desire is to deal with this in a healthy manner and over come some things that I see as hindrances in the future. I really dont want this negative experience to cause me to be bitter and angry and unable to enjoy the life that God has planned for me. I heard a lot of anger in my class last night. I heard some stories just as painful as mine, if not more painful.

I don't think I will ever get closure from the stand point that my ex-husband apologizes to me, and I am pretty sure that the court clerk he is involved with is so arrogant and entitled that she would never humble herself and let God instruct her to be remorseful for what she did to me and not only that for the bad example she has set before her teenage daughter, and the people of the court in general. So my closure will have to come in the form of forgiveness and in the form of realizing that in many ways it is a blessing to not have to live in a home where someone was angry or moody all of the time and would not deal with his possible bipolar issues. My closure will come from giving total forgiveness to two people who wont appreciate it and who are so arrogant that they would never consider consulting God and asking for his guidance on what they are doing and have done.

I can already see God's hand in all of this. I have friends who love me dearly and call me, text me and check on me everyday. One friend whom I have known since seventh grade meets me on face book everyday at six in the morning. We get our coffee and check in, even if for five minutes. Another text me encouraging words through out the day. I have children who love me unconditionally and will always be there for me. I have an awesome support group that will take calls any time day or night. There are a rare few who will call and ask if I need anything. I have found also that many people even family are afraid to do that. I think they may be afraid you will say "yes I need help"! LOL. And last but not least, I have a God who will restore my heart, my spirit and my soul and who will carry me through the valley.

My marriage was doomed from the beginning because of secrets he failed to disclose about his internet addiction to porn. I loved him for better and for worse, but it was evident that he was not going to fix that issue. But who he is, is not who I am. I am a fun loving, wide-eyed, smart girl, who loves to love, loves people and embraces every new experience in life. I know I am better able to be the woman that God wants me to be without having a marriage and a husband who is unhappy with himself, keep me down. I love to laugh, travel, go to the lake, ride motorcycles, go to dinner with friends and be with my kids and grandkids. I love to celebrate Christmas and my ex wouldnt even decorate a tree. My ex-husband wouldn't even say grace or read his bible, and that just isn't me. In fact I dont ever remember one conversation we had about God and about how he felt about God. Yet as free as I see myself now, no matter what kind of divorce it is, its still painful because its a death of the dreams you had. Its a death of the hope and love you had. Its a death of two people who were one in God's eyes.

I have had to recondition myself to forgive. Usually I am a forgiving person, but this I have had to battle. But when I heard him say the other day how he would not marry her and if she left tomorrow with another man he would be o.k., I realized that I need to condition myself to totally forgive two people who would never say "Janet, thank you for your forgiveness" But as my good friend Lydia told me the other day, "vengeance is mine saith the Lord". I have turned my hurt, disappointment and anger over to God. I figure he is much better at dealing with people like this.

I don't want this to steal my joy. I have always been the kind of person to wake up each day embracing the sun, the breeze, the first cup of coffee, the morning hello's at work, the love of my friends and the blessing of my children and grandchildren. I am an adrenaline junkie and I love to right boats, jet skis, and yes Harley's. God made me that way. He didn't make me to be depressed.

As I listened to my ex the other day telling me that he wasn't sure that he could talk to me cause his girlfriend feels that it is 'strange to talk to your ex" and that he will not marry her, but he will sleep with her. He wont sign that paper and give her his last name", I realized that once again he has slowly coaxed another female into conforming to his world and his ways of thinking. And I was glad that it wasn't me.

God gave me another chance to get out and embrace everyday. I've met people who have loved me and just been an awesome inspiration to me. I can now be myself again. I don't have to be a loner like he was. I don't have to set home all of the time. I don't have to conform. I get to be the Janet that God made me to be.

As I spent two hours recently with a counselor she asked me who I was, truly was. I said "I am a lover of truth, love to write, love people, love to ride Harley's, love the lake, love my friends, love to travel and love to laugh". She said "then that's who God made you to be. Embrace it, use it to help others and be good to yourself".

I think I can handle this class, after a few tears and a few honest feelings, I'm sure that I will see that God didn't intend for me to stay locked up in a house, watching t.v. with the blinds closed and never traveling or laughing and having fun with my ex. Now someone else is living that life for me. Maybe I should thank her. Maybe I should cry for her. Maybe I should ask God to protect her. Maybe I should show her mercy and grace, because she will need it. Maybe not now, but she will need it. Every woman before her has. So each day I have to remind myself to give forgiveness, mercy and grace. I have to ask him to comfort her, even if she doesnt need it now, she will later. I have to ask God to soften my heart and love those who persecute me. The joy of the Lord will be my strength. Yes, many tears may fall. Many times I may feel hurt and abandoned. But I will get through it with God and with the people he has placed in my life to walk me through it. It doesn't get any better than that!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

To have and to hold!

I have a lot of interesting conversations with friends about relationships. I think one of the most interesting ones I've had lately was with my ex. He indicated to me that while he is dating a girl he has no intentions of ever marrying her, and he shrugged off the idea of even living with her. I'm sorry, I meant to say while he is dating her and sleeping with her he has no intentions of ever marrying her. He says he will "never sign that piece of paper". He went on to tell me how he has discussed this with friends and guys at work and they all tell him to just date and to not even live with her He even went further and said "if she took off with someone else tomorrow, it wouldnt bother me". Wow! When I asked him how she felt, he said that she doesn't want to be married either. Yeah, right. Most women in their mid-forties date because they are looking for someone to settle down with and grow old with, so I don't buy that.

How sad is it that a woman's level of desperation goes so low that she will conform to whatever a man says in order just to have him, or spend time with him. She will give herself emotionally, physically and spiritually and pretend that she never wants anything more. First of all that's not natural and its not biblical.

I realize we are in the age where women are independent and strong and don't need men. Yet they offer themselves up like a sacrificial lamb and they never require anything back. It's as if they are saying "use me, take me when you can, I will be there when you call, and all of that knowing that you don't love me enough or respect me enough to marry me". That's so sad and I am so glad that I never ever let myself conform to those ideas.

I realized after having a long conversation with him the other day that this man really did love me, enough to respect me and make me his wife and enough to want to wake up to me everyday and come home to me every night. We shared a home, bought furniture together, planned things together and we had the same last name. There's a difference in just being a convenient girlfriend and being a wife.

I have to wonder what has happened to women and their egos when they say "I'll take you any way I can get you". It's not the way its supposed to be. I feel sorry for those who pretend that it works for them.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

An Open Heart!


My son posted this picture the other day, and put a message beside it that said "Jesus doesnt hide his heart". Which I loved immediately because I am all about an open heart. Yet I had realized that I had begun to hide mine after some disappointments and let downs. I was holding back what I felt, whether it was good or bad.

I had a day yesterday where God literally stopped my car in parking lot and put a complete stranger in front of me that helped me. But this stranger wasnt there to help me with my car I dont think. As we talked about what was wrong and why my Jeep just died, we got side tracked into talking about life. I always say that I can go to Walmart and come out with a new best friend. I never meet a stranger.

This man was unassuming and so kind and gentle in spirit and offerered to help without me even asking. He said some things to me that made me stop and tear up and noticed that and he said "everything is gonna be o.k.! God didnt cause this to happen in your life, but He is gonna send someone to take care of it in His time". And when he said that it was like my heart was unlocked and opened up to listen and to see and feel again.

He jump started my car. I ran by the Auto Zone and had my battery checked. Turns out it was my battery which was still under warranty and I got a free replacement. So that whole experience of my battery dying didn't cost me anything but some time. But it caused me to be put into the hands of a complete stranger and open my heart and talk and from that the rest of the day was just a handful of things that happened that was just from me simply having an open heart.

It was everything from that experience to someone telling me they want to be the kind of mom I am to someone from long ago telling me about a wonderful memory they have of me that they have held for years close to their heart. And it was all because I opened my heart to these people and in return they opened theirs to me. I can hardly wait to see what happens next!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

There's Pride in Ownership!!!

I have a different life today than what I have had in the last seven years. My mornings begin with peace. My days are full of laughter. My nights are restful and spent talking with those I love. I'm in a healthier state of mind and my body feels great. I embrace every experience and I'm always game for something new and exciting to do!

Part of my peace comes from facing the battles in my life, a marriage that was doomed from the start, addiction that was denied and relationships that were unhealthy. I faced one at a time. Each one required facing the truth and taking ownership of what I had done and where I was. I found that once you take ownership, then you begin to heal and the rest falls into place. It was painful. Dealing with the relationships that werent honest or real was painful, but I was painfully honest with myself about who I was around and I lost a good portion of friends, many by choice. Then I had to deal with my marriage, probably the most dishonest, painful, brutal, betraying, unbalanced relationship I have ever known.

Fast forward a year later and I find myself surrounded by fewer people, but with a quality of honesty and integrity that I haven't had before. I now spend more time with people who are up front and honest. I spent yesterday by the pool with a friend that I actually met years ago when I was her nurse, but our paths crossed again down the road as a result of us both ending up in a class to deal with some tragedy in our lives. We began to talk and formed a truthful, honest friendship that is based on us being completely honest with each other about who we are, where we have been and where God has brought us to. Sometimes when we are together one of us with say "I did this or that this week", or "I was hateful to someone, and I meant to be", and I will bust out laughing because I love the pure honesty and truth that flows between us. Yet at the end of the conversation I love this friend more because she shows me who she really is and where she is really trying to go with God. That's something you don't get from a lot of people.

I watched a Glen Beck interview yesterday on youtube.com that an old friend from high school posted. It was such a refreshing interview in the fact that Glen Beck took ownership of who he had been in his past and he took ownership of who God has shaped him to be now. Those are the kind of people I gravitate to now. I don't want the song and dance and the right script from people who try to say what they think you want to hear.

I love a man or woman who faces all of what they have done. I am immediately cautious when I see someone who seems perfect or put together and flawless. I was married for years to someone who is in law enforcement. He was probably the most put together officer on his force. His shoes always shined. His uniform always pressed and pants creased just right. His patrol car was immaculate and organized, and he always looked so clean and put together well and said the right things. Yet, remove the badge, the pressed uniform and all of the other stuff, and what you have left is a man who has a troubled heart, who cant be honest, wont reveal himself to those he loves, wont admit to wrong doings, and has just absolutely destroyed the hearts of a his ex-wives and a daughter because he is just mean at the very core. Yet he shines when he covers it up with that uniform. In one of our last conversations I said to him, "all I ever asked from you is that you be honest with me". He refused and hung up on me. I would venture to say that he may never face who he is or the wreckage he has left behind him, and that the next woman he is with will endure the exact same dishonesty as everyone before her.

I admire people who take ownership of their lives, their mistakes, their mishaps, their downfalls and everything. I have more respect for someone who can stand up and say what they have done and how they have hurt others. In fact I am more prone to spend time with someone who is real and owns what they have done and the mistakes they have made. Im not looking for perfection in friends, family or anyone. I am looking for an honesty that comes from looking into the face of God and saying who you really are, crying over someone you have hurt and taking ownership of all of that. When someone does that then you have the hope of a more honest relationship with them.

No one is perfect. That is why God gives us grace and mercy. There's a kind of pride in taking ownership and being unafraid to confess your mistakes and also being able to move forward and be a better person. Without it, you simply stay stuck in the same state of mind and the same hurtful patterns you have always been in. There is no growth in your life until you admit who you really are and accept that God does restore all of that. I'm the proud new owner of a life that now has peace and joy!


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sorry seems to be the hardest word!


There is a song that says "sorry, seems to be to be the hardest word"! Having come through a few hard years, I have realized the amounts of "sorry" I need to say. I knew someone for the last nine years that I thought to be one of the more honest people I knew. I stood up for them, protected them, and fought to make others believe they were honest. I had some people though that had known them, either through marriage, friendship or work, who didn't feel the same way I did. I probably projected anger onto these people that was unwarranted. As this person was investigated through work for something, I personally called their boss and gave a good word to him. As their ex-spouse and someone else who was in a relationship with them, bashed the person and called them a liar and a cheater, I faced them head on and treated them as if they were just bitter ole hags probably. I took everything this person said to be nothing but the truth and I defended them at all costs. I was angry at the people who mistreated them.

Fast forward a few years, and I am standing with my head in shame, as it is once again discovered that they have cheated on another spouse and done things at work that are unethical, lied adamantly and denied accusations that came from several people. I have listened as co-workers have told why they removed themselves from this person and I have watched a behavior pattern that supports what even the their own mother said she concerned her and even cried about her concerns.

Now I am faced with having to go to some of these people that I mistreated on this person's behalf and say "I'm sorry", because I feel that I owe it to them and to myself. I misjudged people based on this person's opinions and stories. I snubbed people who had genuinely been hurt by this person's dishonesty and unethical ways. Even justified how they broke their own child's heart over and over with betrayal. So after some thought I realized that I had to say sorry. Even if it means someone laughs at me or says "I told you so", I feel that its only right that I apologize and not take away the truth from them and let them believe any longer that I think they are crazy.

Sorry is a hard word to say. It involves laying down your pride, admitting you were wrong and feeling like a fool. However, it is the right thing to do. As much as I want to look like I knew what I was doing, I have to say "I had no clue, and I'm sorry that I treated you wrong based on this person's dishonesty". However, to me one great characteristic of someone that shows how they have grown, is when they can admit they were wrong". It's a tough step to take, but it's one that grows you up, and releases a lot in you. And knowing that someone else is in your position now where they believe and think you are the one who is wrong, is tough too. Yet you know that even if they never say it, that one day they will want to say "sorry" to you for not believing you. Yes, "sorry, does seem to be the hardest word"! Yet, it's one of the most freeing words you can say!

Friday, June 17, 2011

The same Jesus that died for me, died for you too!


This is such a tough one for me. I didn't even want to write about it. I have wrestled it. Tried to block it out of my mind and ever day this week this topic has kept coming up in front of me.

I am a forgiving person. I have never had trouble with it, until now. I have just felt so wronged by a couple of people who knowingly hurt me. My body is weak and says "no" to the forgiveness. Then my spirit says "yes, they need forgiveness more than anyone Janet. They have done these things because of their own hurt and confusion in life."

A verse kept coming to my mind this morning; "love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you".

I know someone who had a sister killed by a drunk driver. When his dad hugged him after they heard the news, his dad said "Scotty, the same Jesus that died for you, died for that drunk driver". What an unbelievable testimony that was to me to hear someone say that in the middle of their agony and pain.

All week long I kept hearing the same things in my head, "Janet, Jesus loves prostitutes too. And I would laugh to myself wondering where that came from. "He loves people that wreck homes and destroy marriages. He loves the immoral ones, the unfair one, the hurtful ones". And I knew deep down in my heart what was heading my way was a day of conviction and having to lay down this cross and forgive. Sometimes its hard to know where to start to forgive.

I have made many mistakes in life. Disappointed my mother and family more than once. Probably yelled at my kids when I shouldn't have. Maybe wasn't there for a friend in need like I needed to be. At the same time I have been hurt by words, events and things that other people have done willingly and unwillingly. And while I wanted in my flesh to place judgement on them it isn't my place. I remember the song that we sang in Sunday school when I was little. It went like this. "Jesus loves the little children. All the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white they are precious in his sight." Once we grow up our colors become less of the issue and our individual battles, problems, addictions and mistakes become what we have a harder time dealing with. Even more so we tend to be judgmental of others with problems. Next time you drive downtown and see the homeless, the drugs addicts and alcoholics, the prostitutes, or you deal with someone nasty in your life at home or work just remember that the same Jesus that died for you, died for them too.




The spirit of home!

This is my favorite time of year. I love the colors, the air, the temperature, and everything else about Fall. I love to get out my Fall wreaths and I always put out my acorn candy dish with candy corn in it. We light pumpkin and spice scented candles and Rachel and I both love to be at home.

We had lost that for a while though. I have always had the kind of home where my children's friends love to come. Rachel has had two best friends since she was three and they have spent a lot of days and nights at my house. The girls always talk about how they remember me baking things for them or funny things we would do. They love it there!

Yet for a while, our home wasn't ours. After an unsettling marriage and living with someone who didn't enjoy the essence of a home or people for that matter, we began to retreat. Even Rachel's friends would ask if her step dad was home before they came over. Lately some of them have confessed to me that they didn't like being there when he was there. One friend said that every time she came in the house she just wanted to poke him and say "is there anybody in there?". So for a time there were many uncomfortable weekends, and the joy of our home went away.

Lately though, since my divorce, we have reclaimed it. The girls are back to coming over and hanging out. They spend the night, cook dinner, watch movies and we laugh and giggle. I had forgotten how much I had missed the joy of having a happy home and of having peace. In the midst of the fog sometimes you cant see who you're living with or what you're dealing with. Then when the sun shines down and burns the mist away, you begin to see clearly again. The joyful spirit of our home is back!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

"If you cant stand the heat, get out of the oven"



There used to be a game show called "Truth or consequences". I think as kids we called it "truth or dare". Usually most people took the dare. Why? Because they never knew what question they were going to be asked and just how exposed they would be if they had to tell the truth.

As adults we still play that game. We've just modified it to seem like it's o.k.! I am an avid people watcher! I love to just observe the behavior of people when they think they have master minded the art of deception. Then when they face the consequences it amazes me how shocked they always are at what happens, or what is said about them. When the truth surfaces people begin to squirm, especially if they have worked hard for so long to conceal it and to portray an image that is honorable.

I had a "heated" conversation today with a man who concealed his philandering for a number of years during two different marriages. Now the truth comes out, and his image is tarnished. His coworkers are questioning his integrity. His girlfriend is mad because now her image is tarnished because her history of philandering is out also. The men at work trade stories about their trysts with her. Her friends and coworkers are whispering behind her back. Both of them lost the chance to finish raising their daughters due to their selfish behaviors and now they not only have stolen someone's idea of a sacred marriage , but they have wrecked two homes and left children hurting. The amazing thing is that they are both mad at other people who haven't done anything but pointed out to them that they have done others wrong. They have created a three ringed circus and they are mad because others are watching and talking. In trying to explain this to him I simply said "you know, you created this yourself. Your girlfriend created her story. You both have daughters that now have been given the legacy of parents who are dishonest, immoral and who feel unaccountable for the hurt they have caused. And your mad at who?"

Well, to say the least my honesty didn't go over well. But I was committed to telling the truth and not sugar coating the story in order to make him and his girlfriend feel better about the marriages they have wrecked, the affairs they have had, the number of people they have been with and wreckage that they have left behind in being dishonest both in their personal lives and in breaking a code of conduct at work. And as to be expected, they aren't even faithful to each other. So to say the least, I wasn't the popular person. And I'm o.k. with that.

The lesson here? If you don't want to suffer the consequences of making bad choices, don't make the bad choices. If you don't want your family and friends to see you in a tarnished image, then do what you have to do keep it clean. And if you don't want your children to have to hear how mommy or daddy doesn't regard the sacred vows of marriage, theirs or anyone else's, then don't break those vows, and don't cause someone else to break theirs.

There's an old saying "if you cant stand the heat get out of the kitchen". Or as my daughter once said in a state of confusion "if you cant stand the heat, get out of the oven"!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Life is Tragic, God is Good!

If I offend anyone with my honesty and candidness I apologize ahead of time. I have learned that the best way to sometimes help others heal is to tell your own story of healing. So with that I am committed to being completely honest and straight forward.

I had a conversation the other night with someone who works with my ex-husband. He told me that he was sorry for what I had to go through and he wished me luck. I said to him, "I haven't lost any anything. I still have two wonderful children, and four awesome grandchildren, family and a few good friends that have really stuck beside me. I still wake up and approach every day eager to see who is in my path and what is handed to me to do for the better of mankind. I still love the lake and a fast boat. I still get excited about new experiences. I still laugh out loud and giggle like a little girl. I still gaze at a full moon in awe. I still love music and I still love to write. I am still known for my notes to people who need encouragement. I am still a Momma to two kids that adore me. I am still Gigi to four absolutely beautiful grand kids. And I am still God's daughter, embraced in His love, appointed for a purpose here on earth".

At that point I kept feeling a tug from God to take inventory of exactly what I had lost and what I still had. When I was done making that list of what I lost in the other person, I said to myself, "I've lost nothing but worry, anxiety, insomnia, unhappiness, distress, distrust, suspicion and many other things that went with that person when they chose porn addiction over marriage, lust over love, dishonesty over truth and left to have a relationship with someone else. Now that person has my loss. Then I became peaceful and grateful and calm. I no longer wanted to cry or scream.

We serve an awesome God. And sometimes what we think is being taken away from us, is actually something being given to us. It's God's gift to us. In the process we lose hurt, pain and someone who will never be happy with you or anyone. And God says "enough". He simply removes that obstacle from in front of you. He takes the thorn out of your side. He gives you rest when you had not known a peaceful nights sleep in years. He gives you joy that replaces the unhappiness. He is constant and not moody. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He gives you love, comfort and trust and a place to hide in Him. Things you should have had in a marriage but didn't. He gives you confidence and a glow that comes from knowing that someone loves you and will never betray you and will always carry you, because God is now your caretaker. You will never have to worry about what is happening on your home computer, or who is calling your husband, because God has removed all of that from your life and now you will live in the security of His love and the abundance of being cherished and loved for all that you are.

I do not condone divorce. I have to stop myself when I sometimes want to say "I hate cheaters". I am a person who is loyal and takes a vow seriously, and I believe that people who do mess with other people's wedding vows are in serious danger, because it is a commitment to God that you take also, and you better take it seriously. Not all people do that. Not all women believe that your husband is yours. They believe that all is fair in love and war. So when you have to face that you are married to someone who is weak and not loyal and who is flattered by the attention of someone who is basically a harlot, you have to say "God, here it is, take this cup from me". When someone else leaves and they don't want to be committed to you or anyone, ever, you let go. And when you do that you reach a day where you awake and say "it is well with my soul". Loss is inevitable in life. Hurt is guaranteed. People aren't always fair. But that loss is easily weathered when you let God take it and give you the gift of a fresh start. The gift of being yourself again, and of being what he created you to be.

Sad as it may seem, someone else has now signed up for your hurt, frustration, and betrayal. Someone else thinks they are the one person who can change your husband and make him happy and a better person. Someone else has chosen to take that from you, and while they don't know that's what they signed up for, they will. And maybe, just maybe, when their heart belongs to God, they will allow Him to heal their hurt, just as He did yours.

As I have said before, "I know I am in a place where God wants me to be when my soul reaches up to the Heavens and thanks God for my pain. Life is tragic, God is good"!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Diamonds and Pearls!


The formation of a natural pearl begins when a foreign substance slips into the oyster between the mantle and the shell, which irritate­s the mantle. It's kind of like the oyster getting a splinter. The oyster's natural reaction is to cover up that irritant to protect itself. The mantle covers the irritant with layers of the same nacre substance that is used to create the shell. This eventually forms a pearl. So a pearl is a foreign substance covered with layers of nacre.

Diamonds come to the surface when magma from far below the Earth’s surface begins coming up. Since diamonds are found at such incredible depths – three to four times deeper than the depth at which a normal volcano originates – magma upsurges deep enough to bring them to the surface are relatively rare. Once this magma cools, it forms a rock known as kimberlite – or sometimes lamproite – which may be used as an indicator that diamonds may be found in that area.

What is so beautiful and rich actually begins by being irritated, or upsurges from the depths of the earth under pressure and intense heat. Again, I am so amazed how God gave us simple messages through nature and how He shows us that an irritant or something that had to be brought up from the depths of the earth, actually emerges into something beautiful.

Most of the time when I am irritated or under intense pressure I don't feel beautiful, and I don't always see the good that's going to come out of those situations. Yet faith and a promise has kept me moving forward and knowing that if I go through the natural processes of letting God work those irritating or high pressured situations, something beautiful will emerge in me. Some days I'm a diamond. Some days I'm a pearl. A lot of days I am diamonds and pearls!

Monday, June 13, 2011

The truth hurts!


I am a lover of truth. As painful as it may be at times, I still want to hear it and know it. I listen for it. Beg for it. Pray for it and search the world over for it. For me there is no better relief then when I can say the truth. Sometimes it offends people. Sometimes it hurts them. Yet knowing the truth is a freedom.

Those of you close to me know that I have wrestled for the truth for the last few years in a marriage that was never close to truth. When all was said and done I asked for the truth, even though I already knew it, I gave the other person a chance to say it. To me it would tell me where he was in his life, in his growth and in his respect for himself and for me.

Much to my dismay I never got it. It was painful, and it was ugly and I would have respected him for hurting me with the truth rather than trying to escape by looking good and living a lie. I will never hear the truth from that person, even though I am so aware of all of the ugly lies and the details that led to our demise. Yet I feel free now. Free because I know and I have seen and I have witnessed the truth. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free, was right. And in due time God always reveals the truth when He knows you are ready.

My daughter and I share a twisted sense of humor. We actually understand each others jokes. When I told her all that I had found out she hugged me and I cried. She said "momma, are you crying over him?" I said "no, I feel stupid, I got dumped for a white mini van with Nascar tags". We both busted out laughing and that........is the truth!


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

There is relief in being discovered!



Life as we know it is unpredictable. You never know what road you may end up going down, either by choice or by chance. I have taken many detours. Detours I never intended to take, however circumstances and my own choices took me through those detours.

When someone in the public messes up I always love to watch people's reactions. A lot of people take a "holier than thou" approach. Some people make fun of them and laugh at the mistakes they have made. I read a local newspaper article this week about a local businessman who is having to auction his extravagant house. I was taken back by the comments people posted on line under the article on the newspapers web site. People just absolutely demolished the guy and his wife. They insulted them, laughed at them having to sell their "castle" and completely got off track about the article. I couldn't believe that so many people would put so much energy into laughing at someone else's demise. Then came the Arnold Scwarzenegger fall out. More people on a national level had their opinions and their funny remarks. I always hear that old Don Henley song in my head when I see people do this. You know the one where he talks about how people love "dirty laundry". And he sings "kick 'em when their up, kick 'em when their down, kick 'em when they sit, kick 'em all around".

I have a new found respect for people who go through tough times, some embarrassing, and who stand up and say "yes, I lied, I made mistakes" or "I'm broke and in financial ruins". It takes more courage than a lot of people have to do something like that. Yet a lot of people don't do it because of the ridicule and condemnation they are afraid to suffer through.

What do you want to bet that today Arnold feels relieved that his transgressions are out and that he no longer has to hide them? Psalms 32 speaks of David and how his bones ached because of his sin and his silence and how God's hand was heavy upon him. He goes on to talk about how he found relief in confessing his sin to God. Maybe more of us should put that into practice. Throw caution to the wind and be unafraid of what others think or say and unload all of our sins and secrets. There is relief in being discovered.















Monday, May 2, 2011




I am probably one of the most patriotic mothers I know. I was the best at being a "Marine Mom" when my son was a Marine. I wrote him everyday he was at Parris Island. I made the long trip down there just to watch him march in from the Crucible and get his EGA. I love to hear the Marine Cadences. Watching the EGA ceremony on Parris Island to this date is the most patriotic thing I have ever witnessed in my life. I watched as Kyle went to Iraq twice and I ached for the most part the entire time he was gone.

Right before he left for his second tour of duty to Iraq he caught me in the laundry room crying and he asked me what was wrong. All I could get out in between sobs was "Kyle I just want you to come home". He stood up with his chest out and he said "Momma, I'm coming home because I know, I have faith, I believe and God has told me, that there is more for me to do than just be a Marine and I'm coming home to do it". Then he followed by saying "And I'm coming home to marry Jessica". We both laughed and I told him I was counting on it.

I admit that I hated war, but I supported my son because he chose to be a Marine. I panicked on 9/11 because I knew what that meant for my child and for our family. I hated that our country had to suffer so much loss and still suffers from loss today. Every time someone has to bury their child I feel a twinge of guilt because mine made it home and I know that they prayed just as hard for their child to come home as I did for mine.

Yet when I see how we Americans rejoice over killing someone I am torn. My flesh says yes, but my spirit says NO. Do we not have faith in our God to handle those situations? Are we so overcome with fear that we cant rest until its done our way, the way we think it should be done?

I have witnessed miracles in my life. I watched my child come home safely from war, not once but twice. And he went on to get married, have four beautiful children and graduate Magna Cum Laude from college. I have watched as my daughter was almost crippled from MS and after a successful treatment three years ago she walked out of the hospital and drove us home. If I trust God for such miracles, how is it that I couldn't trust him to serve judgement on those that harm us? God says that vengeance is His! Have you ever thought that maybe the reason God had not taken the terrorist mastermind of 9/11 is so that someone could introduce him to Jesus Christ and help save his soul so that when he did die, he died having experienced salvation and the love of God? Its not a popular thought I'm sure, but I'm just saying.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

We're in this "two-gether"!



I have discovered something about pain. It is a common fiber that can knit two hearts together. Someone that you never suspected would be in your life, and share your heartache with you, is often the one who knows your pain because of enduring their own pain.

Through troublesome times God has given me a voice that confesses and he has made me silent at times. And that's a task because I have never been silent. But He has caused me to have a hearing ear and a sensitive heart and listen out for someone else's pain. It's having walked through my own pain that makes me so in tune when I spot others in pain. And I have been blessed by friends on the other end of the phone or computer who bear their heart and soul to me and in turn allows me to bear mine.



I don't think that is by coincidence. I believe that we are designed to walk through life together, bearing one another's burdens. Someone who has been a great mentor to me and a huge inspiration is a man who himself has endured difficulties in his life. Having him share his experiences with me and then guiding me based on his own experiences has literally changed the path I am on. And sometimes I don't know if he is truly aware of what an impact he has made in my life. It is through his obedience and through sharing his heartache and recovery that I was able to make sense of my own pain.


I come from a proud family, one that didn't always disclose their hurt or dysfunction. I learned very early in life to have a stiff upper lip and at least pretend like everything was "fine". A friend of mine the other day told me that when he was going through a difficult time in his life, something that was very public, that when someone would ask him how he was he would say "never better". Yet he admitted to me that inside he was dying.

A verse that I have literally clung to comes from Psalm 32. David wrote of his turmoil while refusing to face his sin. Psalm 32:3-4 says "when I kept silent, my bones grew old through my groaning all the day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me". I remember a time when I carried so much with in myself that my body literally ached. I suffered from anxiety and insomnia. And I was so afraid of someone finding out what I was going through. Sometimes freedom comes when we release what we are so desperately holding onto and we confess our heart to God and even to a friend. There is "relief " in being discovered.







Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sometimes the Struggle...






A man found a cocoon of the emperor moth and took it home to watch it emerge. One opening appeared, and for several hours the moth struggled but couldn't seem to force its body past a certain point.


Deciding something was wrong, the man took scissors and snipped the remaining bit of cocoon. The moth emerged easily, its body large and swollen, the wings small and shriveled.

He expected that in a few hours the wings would spread out in their natural beauty, but they did not. Instead of developing into a creature free to fly, the moth spent its life dragging around its swollen body and shriveled wings.

The constricting cocoon and the struggle necessary to pass through the tiny opening are God's way of forcing fluid from the body into the wings. The "merciful" snip was, in reality, cruel. Sometimes the struggle is exactly what we need. Author Unknown

Monday, April 25, 2011

Come fly with me.....




Ever wonder why Geese fly in a V? We all could learn something from this facinating bird! The aerodynamic V shape reduces the drag on each bird in comparison to a bird flying alone. Geese can achieve a greater distance of 70 percent when flying in groups. When the lead bird tires it drops back into the V and another bird moves forward. Each bird takes their turn in the responsibility of leading. If a goose is injured or sick during the flight and falls out, two other geese fall out with it and remain with that goose as a protector until it is able to fly again or until it dies. At that point they rejoin the formation. What a demonstration of teamwork and loyalty.


It amazes me how God created these animals who sometimes are more compassionate than we humans are. There is so much to learn from these birds. And there is so much to be learned from our Creator who created all of us and made us in a way that we should work together and help each other. When someone we know "falls out" what is your reaction? Do you fall out and stay by their side until they regain their strength or do you keep flying on without a care or just simply afraid to take the time to stay by the side of someone who is hurting.


I love that God placed simple instructions for us not only in the bible but in the way he created nature! I have worked in the field of Nursing and one of the common sayings you hear about nurses is "they eat their young", meaning watch out if you're new to the game. Its so easy to watch people fall and then set back and place judgement on them. I've experienced that myself. It takes a strong person to stand up and help someone else who is broken and needs "protecting" until they are ready for flight. Yet even the geese follow their Creator's plan and know when to fall out and help one of their own.




Brokeness, An Opportunity!




Sometimes I think the people who have suffered the most brokeness are the best to minister to others in need. I have had the opportunity to do that; walk through brokeness. I'm not talking about a bad day at work or small fight with a family member . Im talking about "brokeness", the kind where you lay down to sleep at night and you dont know if you can face the next day. And if you do, you arent sure whose there with you. Im talking about the kind of brokeness that puts you walking around in a daze because you arent sure where to turn next.
I say that I have had the "opportunity" to walk through it because it was an opportunity for me to see the other side. I was able to experience pain and heartbreak in its best form. One day everything seemed perfect and then one day I woke up in the middle of battling addiction, with a husband who took me for better or for worse, but decided he didnt want the worst after all. I was alienated from friends and family, people who still to this day are a little afraid to be too close to me. My friends, well thats another story. People that I had been there for over twenty years or more simply disappeared. And there I was left with two choices, wither up and die or pick up my cross and let Jesus carry it for me. I chose the later. There were a few select people in my life that I felt I needed to fight for. I spent nights alone crying and went to sleep many times just telling God to hold me.
Coming through that experience made me aware of what kind of pain others go through and I am one of those people that had ignored them in their time of need and heartbreak. Specifically as a rehab nurse I was extremely tough on addicts. And being brought to my knees gave me a new passion for those that others are afraid of.
One verse that I kept hearing in my mind was was Matthew 25:40, "Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as you have done unto one of the least of these brethern you have done unto me". Every broken person that passes in front of us is our opportunity to "do unto the least of these". Easter came and went and I watched as many people post "Happy Easter" or "lets remember the real reason for Easter", and I wondered how many homeless people they passed on the way to church or on the way to lunch. I wondered if they found out tommorow that their best friend was in the middle of an addiction would they be there.
You see we have the chance to celebrate Easter everyday, or for that matter Christmas too. Im thankful for my opportunity to search the soul of brokeness. It has made me aware of my surroundings. Its caused me to lay aside the frivolous things in life and go down the road less traveled. And its made me painfully aware of things that just arent important anymore. When my daughter Rachel was young she couldnt stand to pass up a homeless person. We would circle around and go to McDonalds and buy a happy meal with a large ice water. After we had given the meal to someone who needed it I would turn to her and say "you just fed Jesus". When is the last time you went out of your way to help someone in pain or in need? When is the last time you fed Jesus?