Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Encountering the dreaded divorce recovery!

Last night was my first time in a thirteen week divorce recovery class. After careful consideration and talking to a couple of people close to me, I decided that it would be a good class to take. I have a habit of keeping things in that hurt me, not letting others see me cry and always maintaining the look of being in complete control. But I felt that it would be good to get some pointers from some professionals and from others who have weathered the divorce storm.

As we introduced ourselves, we were asked to give a brief description of where were in the divorce process. For me, my divorce has been final for four months, but we were separated for a year. I actually thought I was handling things well and for the first time in seven years I felt like I was reclaiming myself and doing things in life that mean alot to me. The real zinger came after my divorce was final and I discovered that there had been a girl in the picture for probably a year and a half. Oh it gets better. I later found that she is the court clerk who helped my ex-husband type up my divorce papers and she used her job as a Chancery Court Clerk to get them served on three days after my ex filed. Not only that but she was calling him and letting him know the contents of my letters to the Judge and what my intentions were as far as what I was going to contest against him. In other words, she crossed the line professionally and stands to be reprimanded by the County Ethics Committee.

That's when I realized that I wasn't dealing with this process well at all. She was forbidding my ex-husband to talk to me or help me with things that usually he would be more that glad to help me with. She said it 'was strange for him to talk to his ex". Hmmm. I wonder if she thought it was strange when she was sleeping with him while I was married to him.

So in short, yes, I felt that I needed some guidance on how to handle this. I have sought the advice of an attorney on filing a complaint against her and that is still in the works, but the big thing for me was feeling stupid and realizing that she had been there a lot longer that I initially realized. Her brother ironically is the Mayor. I had to talk to someone in his office about considering what I may do. He indicated to me that he was aware of the stories about her and he encouraged me to follow through.

So there I was in divorce recovery class, because my true heart's desire is to deal with this in a healthy manner and over come some things that I see as hindrances in the future. I really dont want this negative experience to cause me to be bitter and angry and unable to enjoy the life that God has planned for me. I heard a lot of anger in my class last night. I heard some stories just as painful as mine, if not more painful.

I don't think I will ever get closure from the stand point that my ex-husband apologizes to me, and I am pretty sure that the court clerk he is involved with is so arrogant and entitled that she would never humble herself and let God instruct her to be remorseful for what she did to me and not only that for the bad example she has set before her teenage daughter, and the people of the court in general. So my closure will have to come in the form of forgiveness and in the form of realizing that in many ways it is a blessing to not have to live in a home where someone was angry or moody all of the time and would not deal with his possible bipolar issues. My closure will come from giving total forgiveness to two people who wont appreciate it and who are so arrogant that they would never consider consulting God and asking for his guidance on what they are doing and have done.

I can already see God's hand in all of this. I have friends who love me dearly and call me, text me and check on me everyday. One friend whom I have known since seventh grade meets me on face book everyday at six in the morning. We get our coffee and check in, even if for five minutes. Another text me encouraging words through out the day. I have children who love me unconditionally and will always be there for me. I have an awesome support group that will take calls any time day or night. There are a rare few who will call and ask if I need anything. I have found also that many people even family are afraid to do that. I think they may be afraid you will say "yes I need help"! LOL. And last but not least, I have a God who will restore my heart, my spirit and my soul and who will carry me through the valley.

My marriage was doomed from the beginning because of secrets he failed to disclose about his internet addiction to porn. I loved him for better and for worse, but it was evident that he was not going to fix that issue. But who he is, is not who I am. I am a fun loving, wide-eyed, smart girl, who loves to love, loves people and embraces every new experience in life. I know I am better able to be the woman that God wants me to be without having a marriage and a husband who is unhappy with himself, keep me down. I love to laugh, travel, go to the lake, ride motorcycles, go to dinner with friends and be with my kids and grandkids. I love to celebrate Christmas and my ex wouldnt even decorate a tree. My ex-husband wouldn't even say grace or read his bible, and that just isn't me. In fact I dont ever remember one conversation we had about God and about how he felt about God. Yet as free as I see myself now, no matter what kind of divorce it is, its still painful because its a death of the dreams you had. Its a death of the hope and love you had. Its a death of two people who were one in God's eyes.

I have had to recondition myself to forgive. Usually I am a forgiving person, but this I have had to battle. But when I heard him say the other day how he would not marry her and if she left tomorrow with another man he would be o.k., I realized that I need to condition myself to totally forgive two people who would never say "Janet, thank you for your forgiveness" But as my good friend Lydia told me the other day, "vengeance is mine saith the Lord". I have turned my hurt, disappointment and anger over to God. I figure he is much better at dealing with people like this.

I don't want this to steal my joy. I have always been the kind of person to wake up each day embracing the sun, the breeze, the first cup of coffee, the morning hello's at work, the love of my friends and the blessing of my children and grandchildren. I am an adrenaline junkie and I love to right boats, jet skis, and yes Harley's. God made me that way. He didn't make me to be depressed.

As I listened to my ex the other day telling me that he wasn't sure that he could talk to me cause his girlfriend feels that it is 'strange to talk to your ex" and that he will not marry her, but he will sleep with her. He wont sign that paper and give her his last name", I realized that once again he has slowly coaxed another female into conforming to his world and his ways of thinking. And I was glad that it wasn't me.

God gave me another chance to get out and embrace everyday. I've met people who have loved me and just been an awesome inspiration to me. I can now be myself again. I don't have to be a loner like he was. I don't have to set home all of the time. I don't have to conform. I get to be the Janet that God made me to be.

As I spent two hours recently with a counselor she asked me who I was, truly was. I said "I am a lover of truth, love to write, love people, love to ride Harley's, love the lake, love my friends, love to travel and love to laugh". She said "then that's who God made you to be. Embrace it, use it to help others and be good to yourself".

I think I can handle this class, after a few tears and a few honest feelings, I'm sure that I will see that God didn't intend for me to stay locked up in a house, watching t.v. with the blinds closed and never traveling or laughing and having fun with my ex. Now someone else is living that life for me. Maybe I should thank her. Maybe I should cry for her. Maybe I should ask God to protect her. Maybe I should show her mercy and grace, because she will need it. Maybe not now, but she will need it. Every woman before her has. So each day I have to remind myself to give forgiveness, mercy and grace. I have to ask him to comfort her, even if she doesnt need it now, she will later. I have to ask God to soften my heart and love those who persecute me. The joy of the Lord will be my strength. Yes, many tears may fall. Many times I may feel hurt and abandoned. But I will get through it with God and with the people he has placed in my life to walk me through it. It doesn't get any better than that!

1 comment:

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